Recent Ponderings | 01
Hibernation is nearly over but there's still time for pause........ Imbolc
I’m just going to dive in to writing this post. No big introductions or song and dance about what got me to this point and why I’ve decided to create this substack. That will all become clear over time.
If I don’t just post something now without thinking and over thinking then it will never happen. So lets begin…
Oh also just a note, ponderings are my unedited thoughts, musings if you will, where my mind is vomiting its thought processes and should not be relied upon as solid scientific, historical, legal or general fact.
Buckle up, now lets begin…
Spring is nearly here or at least today that is what I feel.
I saw three crocus heads sneak out of the earth on the front little wedge of lawn this morning on the way to the car. Three whole heads! That’s more than one and one is a quick ‘oh look there’s a little flower almost, that’s nice init’ but three is definitely ‘oooo bugger me look there’s a few little flowers there, its proper spring now then init’
It was also sunny. Phoebe said it was “positively Mediterranean” and I agreed. And smiled because every time Phoebe speaks or basically blinks or breathes it makes me smile. She is a beaming ray of happy cuddles and love and today she is 14.
The earth feels bloated with energy and the air has tiny electric shocks in it and today doesn’t feel like February it feels like April. Tomorrow will probably feel like February again so I’m filling up on all the stray bits of Mediterranean before they go back to where they came from.1
So, not sure if you know this but it was Imbolc a few days ago. 2
You know how January feels like it lasts forever and it’s dark and cold and we’re all skint? Then it ends, and we all cheer and then February happens and we’d forgotten there was still another month of winter left?
And then you get quite depressed because you’d fooled yourself into thinking it would now be spring; and M&S has tulips and daffs in and some stinky hyacinths3 and it messes with our heads. And I’m so confused by all the mixed signals, easter eggs, spring bulbs, snow, central heating, my studio is bloody freezing. At this point I’m totally lost. 4
Well, when I have been feeling lost and a bit distracted by what everyone else is doing inside my phone, I like to stop.
I stop,
I light a candle (normally a very smelly one because that’s the only thing that will keep me focused on what I need to be doing for as long as I need to be doing it for),
I look where we are in the wheel of the year.
Where are we in the natural world. The world where the sun lives and the grass is and all the little wild things exist. Because these little wild things are normally doing the things that are appropriate for all living things to be doing and not getting distracted by the inside of phones.
Last week I was trying to do computer things. I’m not patient with technology, it proper pisses me off to be fair. This time it had pissed me off so much I had a big old whopper of an angina attack and was in bed for a day trying to rest.
I stopped.
I lit a candle.
And I read about Imbolc.
1st February - Imbolc is rooted in Celtic traditions which makes it one of the proper ‘old’ celebrations. It’s is when nature takes a breath, it’s a brief pause before shit kicks off and baby rabbits and lambs appear by the truck load and chocolate gets thrown at you be anyone and everyone.5 A space between seasons perfect for observation and introspection. Taking our time doesn’t mean doing nothing. It’s not a flaw to do something slowly, it’s not being lazy. There’s a misconception now that taking time is wasting time.
Taking time is listening deeply, it’s dreaming and processing thoughts and letting things unfold. It’s my time to watch, to look, to note, to sketch.
This time of year was once called ‘the Quickening’6. This is confusing to me after all that is taught about the season offering the lesson of patience. I think maybe it’s because nature is pulsing. The land is slowly awakening from a blackened winter earth, but it’s hidden and still, and then momentum gathers, unseen at first and then so quickly, above the surface an explosion happens.
So in order to find myself again and ground myself I want to mirror nature. I want to beat to the sound of her drum. I don’t want to give myself a heart attack again by doing everything that my phone tells me I should be doing. I want to take a breather before shit kicks off.
Hibernation isn’t fully over, we’re only preparing ourselves for the great awakening at this point. The more I ruminate on wanting to go, go, go [and the evenings are still dark and the weather is cold. We’re just not quite ready to go but there feels like pressure to be full steam ahead already,] the more I feel like a failure. I feel more disconnected from community than ever and I’m exhausted because the dark nights are still telling me to go to bed earlier and read a book.
Checking back in stops me getting really ill mentally and keeps me feeling creative. I can’t keep up with society and technology so I run for safety in nature. A slower pace of life, muffled from the sensory overload of trying to keep up.
For now, I will stroke my new planner and it’s fresh tissue like pages, I line up my pretty highlighters, fountain pens and pencils. Stickers are at the ready and I will prepare for when it’s time to wake up and go forth into the world again.
But before that I’m just going to have a nap.
you can’t say that its racist - yes I can I’m talking about sun. Oh my god I can’t believe you started with that, of all the things to start an internal monologue with it’s that. People are going to think you’re such a prick. They wouldn’t be wrong.
The footnotes in these blogs will be my internal argument with my brain. There will be many of these, I just can’t stop myself from being an absolute dickhead. Also always imagine I am constantly apologising for existing throughout any of the writing and speaking that I do.
Yeap true story. Now I’m about to go off on a little waffle but don’t worry I WILL get back to the point. Promise.
auto correct so badly wants to call them heathens, this brings me joy
not in the storytelling, in life, although yes I do think it would be easy to confuse that point thank you for letting me know
My grandparents had nine grandchildren and every year they went to Thorntons and got everyone one of us an easter egg with our names written on in icing. One year they got a free teddy for buying so many and grandpa gave it to me and it made me feel like the most loved person in the world, they didn’t have favourites I was just the youngest girl that still liked teddies but I still felt pretty speciaL
The Quickening… how amazing is this! It conjures so many images and thoughts. A perfect description for time. A collection of paintings must be named after this. In fact that may be the entire inspiration for the next two months of painting.
Sometimes I hate my phone, and how miserable it can make me feel. I mean, there are good things in it like you for example, but mostly I feel better when I get outside and tune into what the animals and plants are up to. Loved the part about Imbolc, still a time to be quiet and move slowly - and everyone else is getting distracted and excited by the Easter eggs in all the shops. Nature wins every time, it knows what’s best xxx
So good to catch up with your thoughts. I am taking it down a notch this month as January was too intense - I tend to want to do all the things but then I can’t because I can’t of course. Take care and thanks x